Moving In Together?

Hi Ellen,

I was wondering what's your opinion on moving in with your significant other before marriage? I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We always talk about the future; buying out first house(we have the same taste in real estate), getting another puppy and sometimes even our future kids. Things are really going great! He just turned 24 and has a full time job and I will be graduating college in a couple months. My question is when do you think it's the right time to move in together? I have heard that the majority of marriages end in divorce if you live with the person before you're married. I have also heard that it's better to live with them before you get married so you know their corks and habits before it's unfixable. Of course we want to wait a little bit anyways so we can save up money and pay off school loans, but...When do you think the RIGHT time to move in together is?

-Property Virgin aka (Kristen K.)

Dear Property Virgin:

I honestly think it’s different for everyone.  It all depends on the people and the situation.  I think it’s okay to move in before marriage as long as you have been together for a while.  It’s always good to still have that distance in a relationship so you have time to miss the other person and it makes you realize how much you value their company.  But you are exactly right.  My friend was dating this guy for about 8 months then they moved in together.  She had always bragged to us about him and they really hit it off. She was totally in love with him.  She would call us in the weeks following their move and complain about how he laid around and slept on the couch all day and wouldn’t make any attempt to clean up after himself, do the dishes, laundry, etc.  She was so upset and they ended up breaking up.  It also turned out that in his next relationship, he did the same thing.

 On the other hand, if you stay with someone long enough, even if you live in two different places, you should be able to see things about them like how they take care of their own place, how independent they are, etc.  If you know them and how they are, it might be easier to move in together because there won’t be any fights over responsibility and cleaning, etc.  When they say that it’s beneficial to live together before marriage because you kind find out someone’s quirks, I think what they actually mean is that when you move in together you will be spending A LOT of time together, so anything that you don’t notice with the space in your relationship, you might notice now.  Do you and your boyfriend spend a lot of time together? If so, then you probably know him inside out and you know his little habits and quirks.  If you don’t have a problem with them, maybe it WOULD be beneficial to you to move in together.  Are you guys planning on getting engaged soon?  What are your future timeline plans?  It really does depend on each individual person.  At least that’s how I see it.  If you really want to know what it’s like, spend a week at your boyfriends’ or vice versa.  See how responsible he is; see if he cleans up after himself, etc. If you can’t stand any bad habits he has, you should discuss them, see if you can settle them somehow, and go from there. My overall advice to you is just be careful.  You don’t want to end up not enjoying your living situation and not being able to get out.  I would wait a few more months, do a few trial runs and see where you can get from there. 

Good luck!
Ellen