So the other week I had my yearly exam with my gynecologist. I get it every year, but for some reason, I also dread it every year as if I don't get it done normally. Like come on, why freak out if you know what to expect? Well...because what we expect is just plain miserable. I mean really..... who the hell wants to be spread eagle in front of a stranger and then get violated. So in an effort to make you laugh AND say whatever EVERY female thinks... here are 15 reasons we dread our gyno exams!
 Being Naked
Okay cool, take your clothes off and sit with a shitty robe that doesn't even fit around your entire body and then drape a white sheet over your lower half. It feels embarassing even to yourself as you sit alone and wait. Sitting is so uncomfortable but who the hell wants to lay down and wait? No that would be something you do when you feel relaxed and comfortable.
 The Wait
Of course your gyno is never on time which leaves you sitting there for 15-20 minutes hyperventilating at every thump you hear thinking that someone's entering the room. You hear it in every room before yours as if they are "making the rounds". And then of course you feel like you have to pee so you start to wonder if you should sneak out in your half nakedness and pee again? Or should you hold it? What if it's just a nervous urge? Or what if it's the real thing and you pee on the doctor? Wait, is that a poop I feel? OMG Do I have to freakin poop!??!?!
 The Pre-Exam Build Up
It's days before your exam but you just wish it was already over with. This is when you begin talking to friends and coworkers about how awkward it is. Everyone's in the same boat, everyone hates it, and every agrees that when you have to sit naked in a room it makes you feel more vulnerable than a gerbil in a cage!
 The Room
It's always plain and ugly with the exception of a few bottles of lube and lotion. As if you need the reminder. If you're lucky, the tools are out of sight...but sometimes they aren't. That's when you realize... It's a f*%&ing shoe horn with a crank on it. WHAT THE HELL!?!??! It's like a midevil torture device. How is this legal? How is this okay? OMG why am I here? I can leave right? Oh wait... I need birth control so I have to have these damn appointments.
 The Tools AGAIN!
Okay, so really.... who thought of that as the best thing to use? Why does it have to be so big? Who do they size these things for? Oh my God!!! Is that a mascara applicator? OMG They scrape me with that?? Why are you shocked? It's the same tools every year. What, did you think that they've come up with something a little less scary looking? Maybe they can knock me out and do it while I'm asleep! Oh my god get a grip!
 The Idea of a Stranger Inside You
You know that when the doctor walks in the room, they will be inside of you within a few minutes. How insane is that?! I don't know you!!!! I see you once a year but how do I know you aren't gonna go home and talk about me?! How do you even eat lunch everyday?!?!??!
 Casual Conversation
Yea, I'm doing great. Let's continue to talk about the weather or my job while you insert the shoehorn into my body and crack me open. Of course I am focusing on whatever the hell I'm blabbering... NOT!
 Feel Me Up
Those cold hands on my poor boobs. So awkward that all you can do is look away.
 The Questions
No I don't have any concerns, I don't smoke, I barely drink, and yes I use protection. Whatever the hell I have to say to get this over with sooner!
 The Audience
I got so lucky at my last appointment. The doctor had a student with her so I was asked if the student could be in the room for the exam. Well of course. Let's all just have a look into my vadge and talk about it as if I'm a science project!!!!!
 Personal Space
I hope you enjoy my smelly feet because I don't have anywhere else to put them except those God awful stirrups. Scoot down? Of course?!?!? Because it's so natural to NOT scoot away and cower from someone wanting to stare at your private parts!
 The Light
Ohhh that nice warm light. I guess it's not so bad. That is, until you realize that it's making everything down there SUPER easy to see. Then the mental thoughts come...what does it look like? Does it look like everyone else's? Is it one they are disgusted by?
 The Scrape
Here is the shoe horn, here is the crank. Open 'er up! The doctor told me at my last appointment (and I quote) "this will be a lot easier if you don't fight me". Oh sorry, that my body is rejecting the metal object you are shoving into me. So sorry! And then that really creepy pinch/scratch from the mascara applicator. YIIIIIIKES!
 The Poke
Ah, the foreign object is out of you, but now the glove goes on, the lube gets globbed on, and in she goes again. Poking around to see what's going on. BLECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait.... are you using 2 FINGERS!??!?!?!
 The Scurry of Shame
Okay yay, we are all done. Yes, I know that the tissues are over there. Thanks! Now I just want to get the hell outta here and go home and put granny panties and sweatpants on and curl in a ball for the next 10 hours. I swear I change into my clothes in less than 30 seconds, make a beeline for the check out window and then by the time I'm in my car I can't reverse outta my parking spot quick enough. It's literally like the scurry of shame you would do when you wake up to the worst one night stand partner EVER!
BYEEEEEEE! See you in another 365 days. That means I have about 350 days to not think about this.
Come on, I know some of you can relate!