Ohhh That Dreaded Yearly Gyno Appointment

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Oh ladies, you already know by the title of this post that you are NOT alone when it comes to dreading your gynecologist.  I mean seriously, what the heck!? No matter how many times you go, it's always so invasive and awkward.  Maybe the appointment itself isn't even as bad as the build up in the week or just the day beforehand.  

2 years ago I did a hilarious post about 15 reasons to dread your annual gyno exam and it was a big hit.  We all pretty much hate the same stuff.   Well, it was just that time of year again for me and this time I was so worked up that I did some internet research (lol) beforehand to see how exactly to relax more during your annual exam. 

Basically what I learned was popping 2 ibuprophen can help and to make it less uncomfortable during the apointment, bare down.  Yes, bare down aka push.  No, not like you're pooping per say, but just push "down there".  

So my appointment came and it was time to try out the methods I read about. 

So I get there, and when my name is called, I smile and walk on back.  She asks if I have to use the rest room (I already did) but I say yes.  I try again and then I stare in the mirror and try to talk myself into the appointment. You is smart, you is funny, you is kind, you has a strong vagina and you can do this! 

So I go into my exam room, get nakey, and sit on that damn crunchy paper.   Normally I sit there and ponder my existance and debate just running back out to my car screaming F THE WORLD! What are they gonna do? Arrest me for not getting a pap? But then I remember I need to get this so I can get my Birth Control prescription renewed so I decide I'm just gonna deal with it.  Normally I feel all uncomfortable and sweaty down there from sitting on that damn awkward paper for 15 minutes until they finally come in.  

So you know what? I decide I'm gonna lay my ass down and get comfy. I'm gonna take control!  So I shift my booty to the bottom of the exam table and lay down.  

That's when I noticed it...

There's a damned picture on the ceiling!!!  A picture that's likely supposed to make you relax.  It's legit a picture torn off of a calendar. I immediately Facebook it and that's when everyone starts commenting that they go to the same place but their picture is of something different like a horse in a pasture.  By this time I'm cracking the heck up!   

Then she comes in and it's go time.   She says "Oh you're all relaxed already! " Then she looks under the stupid sheet and says "And look at that you're already on the end of the table". Yep! Because I hate when they say "Okay, scoot down" because I know what comes next.  

So I try to do the bare down thing and it worked!   It was still uncomfortable for the mid evil looking speculum to go in but I also had popped 2 ibuprofen and I didn't even feel the scrapes from the pap samples!  And then after another probe with the fingers it was done!! It was seriously the best experience of all the years I've ever had!  I still hate it.  But I'm glad I had some tips.  

Then I looked in the mirror and saw how mussed up and disheveled I looked and couldn't stop laughing.

But it's really got me thinking.... I swear I need to just start an organization where I can get some rich people to donate money and I can use it to provide more "relaxing" things for the yearly exam.  How about having plants in the offices, and even a TV!? I would be so distracted!  And what about aromatherapy and nice music?   

And what about the ceiling?  Have someone paint a mural up there why don't ya?   We don't want to see shitty pictures of an island or a farm animal.  We want more. We demand better!!!   Give us crossword puzzles and books!  Distract us!  I don't even want to know what you're doing! 

I could go on and on! I hope this post makes you giggle and maybe you'll think of it at your next exam and it'll make it a little bit easier for you. 

But seriously ladies share your thoughts below! 

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